La Vie En Rose

"I am nostalgic of an era I never knew."

Thoughts.

I’ve always wondered why we change around different people. I can be crazy, whacky and close to ridiculous with certain friends but when it comes to others, I get quiet and almost close to anti-social. To be honest, I’m not too sure which category I fall under. Like what is up with that? It makes me feel rather…. pretentious? Trust me, I never thought I would put this title upon myself but I can’t help but to feel that way. You know, I’ve contemplated and pondered a lot about this issue.

And I’ve come up with a few reasons…

My main concern is how i’m always so quiet around certain friends. I personally feel that intelligence and intellectualism plays a huge part in this. When I start assuming someone is intellectually well, I would want to be on my best behaviour. I can’t really gather my thoughts and put my words into complete sentences around them. So, in the end, I resort to keeping quiet and allowing my opinions to take up the space in my mind but never leaving my mouth. You know? Does that make me pretentious? Self-conscious? Or just plain rude?

OR MAYBE it’s because, lately, I’ve developed a very bad(or good) habit of being too observant. Any conversation or nonverbal movement became an item to analyse & lay a theory over. It crippled the way i interacted. It really did.

Not only do I feel pretentious, my level of confidence varies around different people. I’m assuming this is part of growing up. You learn how to cope and develop by meeting different people but OHMYGOD it just screws with your self-esteem, doesn’t it? Tell me I’m not the only one.

It took me a while to realize that by being observant, you are also increasing the chances of getting a lower self-esteem. It makes you self-conscious about the littlest things that shouldn’t even matter.  And then, you turn into someone you don’t want to be. I’ll admit that this happened to me recently. I’m still dealing with this issue. It got really bad to the point where I kept putting myself below others. I think it’s partly because I wasn’t fully happy with my life so I kinda saw myself at a lower level.

I’ve given myself some time to reflect lately and you know what? It’s better to be happy with who I am and not be afraid to get judged. Because hey, you can’t please everyone but as long as you feel that what you are doing is right, then just…be you J

I need to be who I am…with everyone.